Chapter 25 - Barbecue Party

Slap.

When I smacked the back of his head, the crocodile bastard let out a grunt.

"Graaaah!!!!"

He swung his arm backward in a wide arc, trying to hit me.

But of course, I'd already teleported far away.

"You bastard!!!!! Stop running around like a mosquito!!!!! Fight me like a man!!!!!"

"Hey, wouldn't it be a bit unfair if someone my size fought hand-to-hand with a guy built like you? Isn't that what's really unmanly?"

"Graaaaaaah!!!!"

Well, he's not listening at all.

Seriously, what did I even do to make him this hostile?

Aren't villains supposed to have some kind of internal camaraderie with each other? Like, even if we've never met, we should join forces against our common enemy—heroes, right? That's the kind of dynamic I was hoping for. Why is he just charging at me like a brute?

Actually, I was planning to backstab him the moment he let his guard down, so maybe if he sensed that, he's not so dumb after all?

But watching him charge at me again like a raging bull, I concluded he really was just an idiot. Does this guy seriously have zero learning ability?

I teleported away again just before he could tackle me. Hah, hah. Truth is, I'm starting to hit my limit too. I've been teleporting back and forth from here to my house—do you know how exhausting that is? My stamina was already lacking, and all this zipping around is slowly wearing me down. Plus, I'm holding a microphone in one hand and carrying a bundle on my back like Santa Claus.

But a true professional never shows weakness. I grinned as if nothing was wrong and called out to him.

"Hey buddy, are we gonna do this all day?"

"Graaaaaaah!!!! You coward!!!!!!!"

*

[LOL he called him a coward LOL]

[The crocodile's totally losing it haha]

[For real, he keeps slipping away like a mosquito, I'd be pissed too hahaha]

[Is Mangostick a mosquito? Is Mangostick a mosquito? Is Mangostick a mosquito? Is Mangostick a mosquito?]

[Mosquito-stick hahahaha]

[But seriously, that guy's strength is insane—the cement floor caves in every time he charges, shiver]

[He's strong but seems kinda dumb lol]

[Now that I keep watching Crocodile Man... maybe he's kinda cute?]

[Get a grip, you idiots. He just committed terrorism and people died]

[For real, covering for a villain is crossing the line]

[Are you all insane? Now you're calling a villain cute and defending him]

[These villain-hating idiots are the same ones who worship Egostic lol]

[Bro, Egostic has 0 casualties haha]

[Is Egostic even a villain?]

[Mangostick is an Association-certified A-Rank Hero and that's recorded fact on Watermelon Island]

[Dude, it's not Watermelon Island, it's Mango Island lol]

[But for real, why did Egostic even go there?]

*

The chat was chaotic as ever.

One comment caught my eye.

Why did Egostic go there?

Right, I need to explain this properly.

If I mess up this explanation, people will start with that "he's practically a hero" slander again, won't they?

I shouted at Crocodile Man, who was preparing to charge again.

"Wait!!!!! Listen to what I have to say!!!!!"

When I grabbed the microphone and shouted at maximum volume, the crocodile human finally stopped his mindless assault.

He snorted through his nose and yelled back at me.

"Fine!!!! Speak!!!!!"

"Alright!!! First question!!!!! Why did you suddenly attack me!!!!!!"

At my question, he snorted derisively and answered.

"Isn't it obvious!!!!!! I've marked Stardus as my target!!!!!! And since you seem interested in Stardus too!!!!! You're my enemy!!!!!"

"......"

What kind of twisted logic is that?

The chat's reaction was explosive.

*

[Dude lol even that dumb villain knows Mango likes Stardus lol]

[Wait, why doesn't he know Egostic has teleportation but he knows he likes Stardus haha]

[Two men fighting over one woman, hot]

[For real, didn't Egostic rush over here for Stardus's sake?]

[Stardus gets called and Egostic shows up... they say married couples are one body, so maybe?]

[What are they, what are they really]

[These toxic shippers are at it again haha]

[For real LOL it's not a fake relationship, it's real haha]

[But seriously, why DID he come??]

*

"...You bastard!!!!!"

I shouted into the microphone again.

Somehow it felt like my own voice coming through the speaker was damaging my ears, but that's probably just my imagination, right?

"You attacked me!!!! For such an absurd reason!!!!"

"No!!!! You started it!!!!! Didn't you tell me to surrender first!!!!!!"

Did I say that?

I don't remember.

Time to play dumb.

"When did I say that!!!!"

When I shouted that, his eyes twitched and suddenly words poured out of the crocodile bastard like a flowing stream.

"What do you mean!!!! You clearly said to me, [Listen up, you crocodile bastard. You're surrounded. Surrender right now.]!!!!! Didn't you say that!!!!!!"

Oh fuck, why is his memory so good at times like this?

As I stood there speechless at this sudden attack, the chat erupted again.

*

[Hahaha he can't say anything now that he got called out haha]

[Why is Crocodile-nim suddenly so articulate haha]

[Bro, you started it on livestream and now you're shamelessly denying it haha]

Even shameless Mangostick is cute!!!! Agh!

Right. This is no time to let my expression crack.

The trick is to brazen it out—only then can I win.

I read it years ago in some self-help book:

Life is like iron-plate fried rice.

Rice stir-fried on a scalding iron plate tastes amazing.

Honestly, slap anything on that hot metal and it turns out decent.

Life works the same way.

Live life on an iron plate and, more often than not, things go smoothly.

Recalling that gem, I plaster an iron plate over my face and open my mouth.

"So what!! I never asked!!!!"

"...? You literally just asked when you ever did that!!!!"

"Forget it!!!! Weren't you the one who told Stardus Egostic was too busy 'sucking and chewing' on you to show up when you trashed the building!!!! What slander!!!! Apologize!! Apologize for the humiliation I feel!! Say sorry and I'll forgive you!!!"

At my words the guy finally flips.

"Crazy bastard!!!! I'm an idiot for even listening to you!!!! Die!!!!"

The croc brat suddenly starts gulping something.

Wait, isn't that his special move?

The instant whatever-it-is shoots from his mouth, I teleport to the side. Lunatic!

In my haste I drop the mic—first and last time I've ever used the thing outside of singing in my room. Great, now it's toast.

I reappear a hair's breadth away and see a jet of water carving the spot I'd stood.

That's Crocodile Man's finisher, Extreme Water Spouting.

He named it himself in the original; in reality it's just a water cannon. One direct hit and you're dead.

No idea what crocodiles have to do with water cannons, but in the canon Stardus took one out of nowhere and nearly died. I already knew, so I barely dodged.

"You rat bastard!!!! You actually dodged that!!!!"

He wipes his mouth, snarling.

He just used an instant-death attack on me?

If I hadn't seen it coming I'd be dead right now.

Fury flares in my chest.

Who does he think he is, pulling this in a safe zone?

Screw it.

I was only going to scare him and finish him later, but...

Let's wrap this up tonight.

Tonight's dinner: crocodile meat.

I untie the bundle I'd been carrying and start charging my telekinesis. Been topping it up for a while; this much should be doable.

My body lifts under the power.

At the same time, the items I packed rise into the air—

Countless guns.

They hover around me, barrels glinting.

"Hey, croc-boy."

I chamber the weapons with my mind.

Okay, ready.

Seeing dozens of firearms aim at him, the croc's eyes twitch.

Right before they fire in unison, I give him a parting line.

"See you in hell, mutt."

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG—

Dozens of guns roar, the rooftop thundering under the barrage.

"Grrrrrrk!!!"

Crocodile Man hunches, arms crossed, letting bullets slam into him.

So many rounds tear into him that dust soon swallows his silhouette.

I land lightly and toss out, "Got him?"

[Uh-oh... if he says that...]

[He's toast, 100%]

[No way he survived that bullet storm]

[Yeah, no way]

[No way— human kill]

The dust slowly settles.

When it clears, Crocodile Man stands without a scratch, solid as bedrock.

"Bwahahaha!!!! Did you really think pea-shooter physics could hurt me!!!!!"

Still laughing, he looks ahead—

At an empty rooftop.

Then a voice from above.

"I told you we'd meet in hell, baby croc."

I'd teleported above his head; as I drop, I hurl a glass bottle straight down onto his skull.

CRASH—it shatters on impact.

"Hm?"

A sickly green mist pours out.

He sniffs, puzzled—then screams in agony.

"GYAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

Immune to physical damage?

Fine—special damage it is.

Enjoy the poison gas, scumbag.